Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Okay I’m sitting down to watch this film with the lowest of expectations. I fervently hope I’m wrong, but if George Lucas stays true to form he will rape my childlike obsession with all things star wars related. Fair enough that shit should have happened with The Phantom Menace, I should have gone all Tim Bisley and burned all my star wars stuff on a funeral pyre back then but I was a kid and it was Star Wars.
And Jar Jar Binks excluded, I don’t hate the second trilogy, it had action, the Clone army and Jango Fett. Three things I love.

So anyway, on to the film at hand, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, an animated version of what happened between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and much like The Force Unleashed, this is Lucas trying to staple things together and make them work.
I have never even thought about this film before so I have no idea what it will be like.

Okay just the trailer is making me feel uneasy. My unease brought on by the words: Jabba, Son, Kidnapped and Anakin. A great plot does not seem likely. But the tagline ‘Star wars as you’ve never seen it before’, yeah and I don’t particularly want to see it…. How did Marla from Fight Club put it? ‘Like a sex crime victim. Underwear inside out. Bound with electrical tape.’

Now the hatred begins.

Okay, I can understand it, they changed it slightly, made it a little more upbeat and stuff, fair enough I can live with that. But then they move on from that and launch straight into a 50s news reader style recap of events, reminiscent of Starship Troopers.


Would you like to know more?

Okay, for a little while I thought that something was wrong with my tv’s speakers but then I had a quick check on IMDB and realised that the characters aren’t even voiced by the actors from the films. But I’ll give them credit, Anakin was just as whiny and pathetic as ever.

But then I forgot that when a clone trooper got shot out of his helmet, I mean he got hit in the chest, and he dropped, leaving his helmet behind. For fucks sakes, they have laser rifles, lightsabers and faster than light travel but chin straps are beyond them?

Other than the blocky cartoonish animation style, which in anything else I’d probably love, but in this coupled with the weird physics, bad voice acting and stunted, jittery lines. Yeah in this they haven’t animated it well to go along with the lines so they seem to either pause too long or not pause at all. And the delivery would be punchy if it was more passionate, but as it is it seems as though the voice actors were being prodded every now and then with a cattle prod so they were jumping to read their lines and get the fuck out.

This film is so bad, the writing is atrocious and I can’t blame George Lucas for that, I could try but I won’t, there is a line in it where they’re discussing Anakins new padawan learner and Obi-wan says “Just teach her everything I taught you and she’ll turn out fine.”, I can’t tell if the writer was making a little joke there or if they just know sod all about the series. The latter is more believable.

And there is a weirdly flirtatious nature to the relationship of Anakin and his padawan. She calls him ‘Sky Guy’ and he calls her ‘Snips’. I was fairly creeped out by this at first but then I realised that the writers are morons, the story is shit and the general execution of said story is shocking to say the least.

The story is pretty good, but it’s not worthy of a whole film, they drag it out with long periods of pointless fighting which would go so much quicker if Obi-wan or Anakin actually did anything interesting. Such as a part when they’re storming the monastery where the kidnapped hutt is being kept and the clones have to scale a cliff in order to get there. It could have been awesome but an entire army of clones had trouble subduing around two dozen droids, who with their slapstick antics keep slipping off the edge and falling to their doom and then Anakin makes it onto the platform they’re storming and they don’t even show the fight, just smoke clouds and the occasional droid part flying off the edge.

And back to the animation. As I said, in anything else I’d probably love it but in this is just looks bad, claymation looks better and every now and then on longshots of ships and vehicles they seem to just roughly animate then sit back and think ‘Eh, only kids’ll watch it.’ Before they get fucked up on meth.

Saying that the entire film just seems like they were sat in a board room kicking around the idea of this film and one guy who had spent the rest of the meeting sucking heartily on a glass pipe suddenly sat bolt upright and shouted ‘I’VE GOT IT!!!!’ and the guy sat opposite him with an unconvincing white moustache grinned moronically and agreed.

So here it is, if you enjoyed the Star Wars franchise then give this film a miss, if you’re a kid then you shouldn’t be reading this and if you’re an idiot this film is chock full of shit comedy and explosions.

I’m going to give it a 4 out of 10, because however bad it is, it’s a kids film.

Youth in revolt - written as watched

Okay originally I was going to write about video game films but there are so many and the knitting needles are now lodged in my cerebellum. The pain of those films has been so immense I was considering packing this in completely, but fuck that.

So anyway, Youth In Revolt.

Okay, I saw this advert and reckoned it could be a laugh, Micheal 'skinnier than an anorexic in the desert' Cera, who reminds me way too much of Jay 'skin, bones and lies' Baruchel. I could break both of them over my knee like wicker for fucks sakes. I've seen sturdier feathers.

So anyway, I'm about 2 minutes into YIR and I haven't killed myself or sacrificed a loved one to the desolate one, so it's going better than Superbad (Fucking hate that film.) But I may not have killed myself or others I haven't laughed yet, Steve Buscemi has just popped up washing his car and making out with a supermodel,

My reaction to this was mild indifference.

And then we meet the main characters creepy best friend,

His cold dead eyes, brain dead delivery of his lines is adequate at best, and then they mention he has a bent cock which is explained by the line 'In case you haven't heard, Lefty's (What a fucking wonderful nickname huh?) erect member takes a sudden and dramatic turn to the east about halfway up'. And then they go on about the girl he has had a crush on for years and how he needs to get his dick straightened and how they might have a kid who'll be good at nothing and so on.
My indifference has taken a turn for the homicidal.
(At this point I would like tyo impart my mind numbing hatred for Mike Cera and nearly everything he has ever done or will ever do, except Juno, that was good.)
Oh for fucks sakes, we've only just hit the fucking start credits. I'm going to go get a goat, a pentagram, some vodka, a shovel, some rope and a fucking big hammer. This is going to be interesting.
Okay 12 minutes in and the only thing keeping me going is this guy

And the vain hope he'll get hit in the face with a wrench.
Okay the love interest/girl-thing has been added now and I was hoping she would add something but so far she just breezes around rambling and sounding bored.

I'm hoping it will be revealed that she was involved in some shovel to the back of the head accident in her youth but I doubt it.
Do you hear that sound? It's like a drum beat, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM. It just keeps going. What could it be? Oh wait, it's me smashing my head on the table, praying for something to FUCKING HAPPEN IN THIS FUCKING ARSEHOLE OF A FILM!!!!!!

So far this film is almost definitely my own personal hell and I really need to go find the anorexic rake otherwise known as Mike Cera and kill him. I will cut off his head, mount it on a pike and display it proudly before the gate of my keep, I will skin him, wear the pelt and roll around in a mixture of dog crap and broken glass. I will break his arms and legs before I throw him to the hounds for sport and I will laugh as they tear strips of his flesh from his mewling form. I will burn him to ashes, drink them and then piss him into the eyes of lepers before collecting the tear diluted piss and shooting it into the sun. I will cut off his feet and reattach them on the wrong side and back to front. I will pull out his eyes and turn them back on him so he can watch himself beg for death as I wear his ears as a necklace. And fuck me I should seriously seek professional help.

Okay, I really need to go burn him in effigy.
Now that that is done, I'll get back to this film.
Well lets see, so far the imaginary new persona hasn't popped up, wait a minute, a weakling freak who hates himself creates an alter-ego who does/says/thinks everything he wishes he could, thus chaos ensues in the form of random terrorist/vandalim acts. Where have I seen this before?

It's on the tip of my tongue..

Wait just one fucking minute

MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

Okay this film blows and I think I'm going to have a visit from the men in white coats fairly soon after publication.

OKAY THAT'S IT I GIVE UP THIS FILM IS SO FUCKING SHIT I ACTUALLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF, FUCK MICHAEL CERA I'M KILLING ME AND ME ALONE THEN I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE SHIT FUCKING FILMS ANYMORE.
My wrath shall be unending with this film.
I am giving it a very generous -75 out of 10. Fuck this film, it's slow everyone in it is brain damaged, half of it is in french and i hate those motherfuckers anyway.
This piece of shit Fight Club rip-off-punch-in-the-nuts-bag-over-the-head-pistol-in-the-mouth-brains-on-the-wall-scummy-badly-written-porrly-executed-mind-fuck of a film I have ever seen and I sat through all the fucking Harry Potter films.
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

Time elapsed before total mental breakdown 45:32

NCIS a review based solely on how hot Abby is.

Firstly, here is the stunning character Abby Sciuto played by Pauley Perrette in the series NCIS.

Okay I don't want to hate on Pauley Perrette, she is a fine actress, as well as being just plain fine. And she has been in alot of films I have enjoyed and I thoroughly enjoyed her character in NCIS, and not just because she was a goth with pigtails and some cool body art. But enough about Abby for the moment, we'll get back to her soon.

Okay, remember in my last post when I said I give every series 5 episodes before I decide whether to continue on or not? Yeah well NCIS didn't even make it to 3, like The Lost Room before it this series was so dire, such a rip off I just couldn't allow myself to watch it. And I've watched every episode of Ultimate Force, so I know I can watch and enjoy total shite.
Even the idea of it was offensive to me, when I heard about NCIS the first thing to cross my mind was 'CSI, on the high seas' and to say the least I was unimpressed. In all seriousness CSI was good, the spin offs I didn't enjoy, but after the success of CSI ever Tom Dickhead and Harry tv station picked up a Crime Scene Investigation series. For fucks sake you can't throw a dead rat on SKY without kitting some fucking retarded CSI rip off such as:

Yeah it's gotten so bad that 'Crime Scene Cleaners' is an actual series on NatGeo. If you have SKy close your eyes and stab at the numbers on your remote, there's at least a 85% chance you'll end up on some Crime scene based series.

Now back to Abby and NCIS. Okay so the first episode was okay, couple of gunshots, sadly no nudity, definitely a mystery to be solved and then they added the hottie, in the form of:

This is where I started to see the cracks in the flaking plaster wall that is NCIS. Now I have no problem with a woman in a sciency show, I mean one of the CSI spin offs has one of the most gratuitously cleavaged women on tv. So I can understand the ideal. But Abby is a lab tech, I have no problem with lab techs either, and she's a goth, I have absolutely no problem with goths. But I put all these together and the only thing I could think was 'DISTRACTION!', the only reason I can see for Abby is to keep us unfocussed and off balance as they blindly stab a plot into a keyboard with a duck.


So, In my expert opinion, NCIS is total bollocks only good for those who wish to stare mindlessly at a hot goth chick in a lab coat......
What am I saying? NCIS RULES!!!!

Just kidding, as a concept it could have been great, it was only let down by a guy in a blindfold with a duck and a typewriter. I didn't enjoy it but maybe that's just me.

Quack bitches, I'm out!

A good pilot episode.

I have a single rule when I watch something new, I give it five episodes before I decide to watch anymore. Purely because the pilot episode of a series is not a good way to judge how good it's going to be, they always make great pilot episodes, to catch the eye of the retarded masses.
A good pilot episode should always contain one if not all of these things:
1. Nudity, partial or full frontal. As shown in: Dollhouse, but in all seriousness anyone who doesn't enjoy the sight of Eliza Dushku in a swimsuit is either gay or dead.

I mean seriously, what's not to like.

Some series though go the whole hog and just go nuts for full frontal in the first episode. (I'm going to hell for this, I just know it.)

That is a screenshot from the first episode of Stargate SG-1, 'Children of the Gods', don't believe me go look it up. I'll wait right here, in fact sod it here's the scene:

A family show, I watched this with my dad when I was a kid for fucks sake.

Greatest offender: Stargate SG-1 (Obviously.)

2. A mystery to be solved. As shown by CSI, Numb3rs, Lost (But they hinged the entire fucking thing on mysteries to be solved but they didn't solve any of them.), Bones, NCIS, X Files, Castle pretty much every single crime show ever made.
But the mystery can't be the whole episode, the mystery has to just sit there and wait to be solved as the solvers run around and occasionally screw up. It makes those watching hark back to the days of Scooby Doo, I still watch these programs expecting the villain at the end to be wearing a swamp monster costume and scowling at the crack mystery crew.
Greatest Offender: The Mentalist

3. Gunfights/explosions. As shown in Burn Notice, Ultimate Force, The Unit etc. These shows use explosions and bullets more than dialogue and story, which can get slightly annoying. I mean you can either have a few explosions and a couple of bullets flying or you can just start a war. But as with salt and pepper, too little and it's bland, too much and you just don't want to eat it anymore.
Greatest Offender: Ultimate Force

4. The Hot one. Every guy will know what I mean, the hot chick that always pops up, here's a collection of said hot chicks.


Detective Kate Beckett from Castle


Temperence Brennan from Bones


Angela Montenegro from Bones


Doctor Saroyan from Bones


Kate from Lost


Abby Sciuto from NCIS


Sierra from Dollhouse

The list of hotties from Dollhouse can go on for days. I mean damn, it was rammed with beautiful women. But hot women do not make the series, 'A hottie is forever not just the pilot' this saying holds true until the hottie gets killed off or just written out.
Greatest Offender: Bones Bit of a U-turn there huh? Well there is a reason for this, Dollhouse escaped prosecution purely because the Dollhouse is a collection of beautiful people, and they're there becuase of their beauty. In Bones it's just fairly unnecessary, if you don't believe me try thinking of an episode of Bones without Angela, it wouldn't work at all. The entire series stopped being about the mystery and basically hangs on based on the women in it and the ensuing sexual tension with the male characters.

5. Sexual Tension. As seen in: CSI, NCIS, Bones, X Files, Castle, Burn Notice, Ultimate Force, basically any series with male and female characters. I know I just got into it right up there like it was a bad thing, but it can be a good thing, but as with everything else, all things in moderation. In the pilot there should be the bubbling sexual tension between two of the characters and it's all good, becuase you end up hoping they'll get together and then when they do you feel good for them. But when a series stops with it being in the background and ends up hanging the whole series off it you should realise that that series is done, very done, just cut your losses and stop watching.
Greatest Offender: Bones/Castle

These are all the major things. I mean there are more like Overlying plot, character development, underlying storyline, general acting etc. But I thin k I covered the real issues here.
For your trouble here's Eliza Dushku in leather.


I hope you enjoyed reading this as I did researching the hotties section.

Don't look back, don't look back.

This has been an odd few weeks for me.

I got kicked off JSA because I apparently have a job, which is weird because the company they mentioned has never heard of me, oh and I missed an appointment they never told me about. Fucking monkey-tards!

I got drafted and dragged down to Essex to clear a house that me, my bro, sis and our cousins own so it could be sold. In the process I got some fucking wicked shit though, a leather jacket that's older than me and an assortment of LARP (Live action role play) weapons including a sword, shield, spear, mace, great axe and a couple of knives. Along with a couple of costumes and some armor. All in all I reckon its about £300 worth of gear, not bad for half a days work.

Then it was my sisters birthday last monday so on friday morning I piled into my mums car and off we went to London for the birthday hog roast on saturday. Epic night, we drank from about 3pm until around 9am on sunday and we still had a metric fuckton of booze left over. Goddamn I was wasted, so much so that wrestling a fat guy in a paddling pool seemed like a good idea (It fucking wasn't.) but at the time it was funny. But Cakes, the guy I was fighting, is easily twice my size and I nearly drowned, but nevertheless I fought on valiantly, although my efforts were negligible at best. I lost. But all in all it was a good night, though the hangover and fucked shoulder tried to convince me otherwise. My body is still punishing me for the four straight days of drinking. Good fucking times.

I've also downloaded a load of the Aliens comic books and the few novels there are, fucking brilliant. They come highly recommended from me, though the first couple of books, aptly named Book One and Book Two, I didn't think I'd enjoy them as much as I did, purely because they're black and white and before now the only black and whites I've enjoyed were the Sin City series, but I powered through and they're fucking brilliant.

I'm also into the 4th series of Numb3rs, its really absorbing which is why I haven't written a review yet. But it will be forthcoming at some point. But before then heres a quick version, the acting is brilliant, in parts the stories can feel samey but the characters and their interactions with each other and the bad guys is wonderful. Especially David Krumholtz, who after 10 things I hate about you I thought I could never take him seriously again because of a single line, its at the end of this clip.

And there it is, his credibility as an actor is horrifically compromised after that one line and also here he is in another of his more recognizable roles:

Just look at that smile, its pitiful and sexually menacing all at once.

Yeah, there was one on his face and then there he is, dressed like one. For two fucking movies.
So here's to David for making an idiot of himself three times and then after a few episodes of Numb3rs making me believe in the human race once more.
Thanks Dave, I owe you everything.