Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Okay I’m sitting down to watch this film with the lowest of expectations. I fervently hope I’m wrong, but if George Lucas stays true to form he will rape my childlike obsession with all things star wars related. Fair enough that shit should have happened with The Phantom Menace, I should have gone all Tim Bisley and burned all my star wars stuff on a funeral pyre back then but I was a kid and it was Star Wars.
And Jar Jar Binks excluded, I don’t hate the second trilogy, it had action, the Clone army and Jango Fett. Three things I love.

So anyway, on to the film at hand, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, an animated version of what happened between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and much like The Force Unleashed, this is Lucas trying to staple things together and make them work.
I have never even thought about this film before so I have no idea what it will be like.

Okay just the trailer is making me feel uneasy. My unease brought on by the words: Jabba, Son, Kidnapped and Anakin. A great plot does not seem likely. But the tagline ‘Star wars as you’ve never seen it before’, yeah and I don’t particularly want to see it…. How did Marla from Fight Club put it? ‘Like a sex crime victim. Underwear inside out. Bound with electrical tape.’

Now the hatred begins.

Okay, I can understand it, they changed it slightly, made it a little more upbeat and stuff, fair enough I can live with that. But then they move on from that and launch straight into a 50s news reader style recap of events, reminiscent of Starship Troopers.

Would you like to know more?

Okay, for a little while I thought that something was wrong with my tv’s speakers but then I had a quick check on IMDB and realised that the characters aren’t even voiced by the actors from the films. But I’ll give them credit, Anakin was just as whiny and pathetic as ever.

But then I forgot that when a clone trooper got shot out of his helmet, I mean he got hit in the chest, and he dropped, leaving his helmet behind. For fucks sakes, they have laser rifles, lightsabers and faster than light travel but chin straps are beyond them?

Other than the blocky cartoonish animation style, which in anything else I’d probably love, but in this coupled with the weird physics, bad voice acting and stunted, jittery lines. Yeah in this they haven’t animated it well to go along with the lines so they seem to either pause too long or not pause at all. And the delivery would be punchy if it was more passionate, but as it is it seems as though the voice actors were being prodded every now and then with a cattle prod so they were jumping to read their lines and get the fuck out.

This film is so bad, the writing is atrocious and I can’t blame George Lucas for that, I could try but I won’t, there is a line in it where they’re discussing Anakins new padawan learner and Obi-wan says “Just teach her everything I taught you and she’ll turn out fine.”, I can’t tell if the writer was making a little joke there or if they just know sod all about the series. The latter is more believable.

And there is a weirdly flirtatious nature to the relationship of Anakin and his padawan. She calls him ‘Sky Guy’ and he calls her ‘Snips’. I was fairly creeped out by this at first but then I realised that the writers are morons, the story is shit and the general execution of said story is shocking to say the least.

The story is pretty good, but it’s not worthy of a whole film, they drag it out with long periods of pointless fighting which would go so much quicker if Obi-wan or Anakin actually did anything interesting. Such as a part when they’re storming the monastery where the kidnapped hutt is being kept and the clones have to scale a cliff in order to get there. It could have been awesome but an entire army of clones had trouble subduing around two dozen droids, who with their slapstick antics keep slipping off the edge and falling to their doom and then Anakin makes it onto the platform they’re storming and they don’t even show the fight, just smoke clouds and the occasional droid part flying off the edge.

And back to the animation. As I said, in anything else I’d probably love it but in this is just looks bad, claymation looks better and every now and then on longshots of ships and vehicles they seem to just roughly animate then sit back and think ‘Eh, only kids’ll watch it.’ Before they get fucked up on meth.

Saying that the entire film just seems like they were sat in a board room kicking around the idea of this film and one guy who had spent the rest of the meeting sucking heartily on a glass pipe suddenly sat bolt upright and shouted ‘I’VE GOT IT!!!!’ and the guy sat opposite him with an unconvincing white moustache grinned moronically and agreed.

So here it is, if you enjoyed the Star Wars franchise then give this film a miss, if you’re a kid then you shouldn’t be reading this and if you’re an idiot this film is chock full of shit comedy and explosions.

I’m going to give it a 4 out of 10, because however bad it is, it’s a kids film.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Youth in revolt - written as watched

Okay originally I was going to write about video game films but there are so many and the knitting needles are now lodged in my cerebellum. The pain of those films has been so immense I was considering packing this in completely, but fuck that.

So anyway, Youth In Revolt.

Okay, I saw this advert and reckoned it could be a laugh, Micheal 'skinnier than an anorexic in the desert' Cera, who reminds me way too much of Jay 'skin, bones and lies' Baruchel. I could break both of them over my knee like wicker for fucks sakes. I've seen sturdier feathers.

So anyway, I'm about 2 minutes into YIR and I haven't killed myself or sacrificed a loved one to the desolate one, so it's going better than Superbad (Fucking hate that film.) But I may not have killed myself or others I haven't laughed yet, Steve Buscemi has just popped up washing his car and making out with a supermodel,

My reaction to this was mild indifference.

And then we meet the main characters creepy best friend,

His cold dead eyes, brain dead delivery of his lines is adequate at best, and then they mention he has a bent cock which is explained by the line 'In case you haven't heard, Lefty's (What a fucking wonderful nickname huh?) erect member takes a sudden and dramatic turn to the east about halfway up'. And then they go on about the girl he has had a crush on for years and how he needs to get his dick straightened and how they might have a kid who'll be good at nothing and so on.
My indifference has taken a turn for the homicidal.
(At this point I would like tyo impart my mind numbing hatred for Mike Cera and nearly everything he has ever done or will ever do, except Juno, that was good.)
Oh for fucks sakes, we've only just hit the fucking start credits. I'm going to go get a goat, a pentagram, some vodka, a shovel, some rope and a fucking big hammer. This is going to be interesting.
Okay 12 minutes in and the only thing keeping me going is this guy

And the vain hope he'll get hit in the face with a wrench.
Okay the love interest/girl-thing has been added now and I was hoping she would add something but so far she just breezes around rambling and sounding bored.

I'm hoping it will be revealed that she was involved in some shovel to the back of the head accident in her youth but I doubt it.
Do you hear that sound? It's like a drum beat, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM. It just keeps going. What could it be? Oh wait, it's me smashing my head on the table, praying for something to FUCKING HAPPEN IN THIS FUCKING ARSEHOLE OF A FILM!!!!!!

So far this film is almost definitely my own personal hell and I really need to go find the anorexic rake otherwise known as Mike Cera and kill him. I will cut off his head, mount it on a pike and display it proudly before the gate of my keep, I will skin him, wear the pelt and roll around in a mixture of dog crap and broken glass. I will break his arms and legs before I throw him to the hounds for sport and I will laugh as they tear strips of his flesh from his mewling form. I will burn him to ashes, drink them and then piss him into the eyes of lepers before collecting the tear diluted piss and shooting it into the sun. I will cut off his feet and reattach them on the wrong side and back to front. I will pull out his eyes and turn them back on him so he can watch himself beg for death as I wear his ears as a necklace. And fuck me I should seriously seek professional help.

Okay, I really need to go burn him in effigy.
Now that that is done, I'll get back to this film.
Well lets see, so far the imaginary new persona hasn't popped up, wait a minute, a weakling freak who hates himself creates an alter-ego who does/says/thinks everything he wishes he could, thus chaos ensues in the form of random terrorist/vandalim acts. Where have I seen this before?

It's on the tip of my tongue..

Wait just one fucking minute


Okay this film blows and I think I'm going to have a visit from the men in white coats fairly soon after publication.

My wrath shall be unending with this film.
I am giving it a very generous -75 out of 10. Fuck this film, it's slow everyone in it is brain damaged, half of it is in french and i hate those motherfuckers anyway.
This piece of shit Fight Club rip-off-punch-in-the-nuts-bag-over-the-head-pistol-in-the-mouth-brains-on-the-wall-scummy-badly-written-porrly-executed-mind-fuck of a film I have ever seen and I sat through all the fucking Harry Potter films.

Time elapsed before total mental breakdown 45:32

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

NCIS a review based solely on how hot Abby is.

Firstly, here is the stunning character Abby Sciuto played by Pauley Perrette in the series NCIS.

Okay I don't want to hate on Pauley Perrette, she is a fine actress, as well as being just plain fine. And she has been in alot of films I have enjoyed and I thoroughly enjoyed her character in NCIS, and not just because she was a goth with pigtails and some cool body art. But enough about Abby for the moment, we'll get back to her soon.

Okay, remember in my last post when I said I give every series 5 episodes before I decide whether to continue on or not? Yeah well NCIS didn't even make it to 3, like The Lost Room before it this series was so dire, such a rip off I just couldn't allow myself to watch it. And I've watched every episode of Ultimate Force, so I know I can watch and enjoy total shite.
Even the idea of it was offensive to me, when I heard about NCIS the first thing to cross my mind was 'CSI, on the high seas' and to say the least I was unimpressed. In all seriousness CSI was good, the spin offs I didn't enjoy, but after the success of CSI ever Tom Dickhead and Harry tv station picked up a Crime Scene Investigation series. For fucks sake you can't throw a dead rat on SKY without kitting some fucking retarded CSI rip off such as:

Yeah it's gotten so bad that 'Crime Scene Cleaners' is an actual series on NatGeo. If you have SKy close your eyes and stab at the numbers on your remote, there's at least a 85% chance you'll end up on some Crime scene based series.

Now back to Abby and NCIS. Okay so the first episode was okay, couple of gunshots, sadly no nudity, definitely a mystery to be solved and then they added the hottie, in the form of:

This is where I started to see the cracks in the flaking plaster wall that is NCIS. Now I have no problem with a woman in a sciency show, I mean one of the CSI spin offs has one of the most gratuitously cleavaged women on tv. So I can understand the ideal. But Abby is a lab tech, I have no problem with lab techs either, and she's a goth, I have absolutely no problem with goths. But I put all these together and the only thing I could think was 'DISTRACTION!', the only reason I can see for Abby is to keep us unfocussed and off balance as they blindly stab a plot into a keyboard with a duck.

So, In my expert opinion, NCIS is total bollocks only good for those who wish to stare mindlessly at a hot goth chick in a lab coat......
What am I saying? NCIS RULES!!!!

Just kidding, as a concept it could have been great, it was only let down by a guy in a blindfold with a duck and a typewriter. I didn't enjoy it but maybe that's just me.

Quack bitches, I'm out!

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

A good pilot episode.

I have a single rule when I watch something new, I give it five episodes before I decide to watch anymore. Purely because the pilot episode of a series is not a good way to judge how good it's going to be, they always make great pilot episodes, to catch the eye of the retarded masses.
A good pilot episode should always contain one if not all of these things:
1. Nudity, partial or full frontal. As shown in: Dollhouse, but in all seriousness anyone who doesn't enjoy the sight of Eliza Dushku in a swimsuit is either gay or dead.

I mean seriously, what's not to like.

Some series though go the whole hog and just go nuts for full frontal in the first episode. (I'm going to hell for this, I just know it.)

That is a screenshot from the first episode of Stargate SG-1, 'Children of the Gods', don't believe me go look it up. I'll wait right here, in fact sod it here's the scene:

A family show, I watched this with my dad when I was a kid for fucks sake.

Greatest offender: Stargate SG-1 (Obviously.)

2. A mystery to be solved. As shown by CSI, Numb3rs, Lost (But they hinged the entire fucking thing on mysteries to be solved but they didn't solve any of them.), Bones, NCIS, X Files, Castle pretty much every single crime show ever made.
But the mystery can't be the whole episode, the mystery has to just sit there and wait to be solved as the solvers run around and occasionally screw up. It makes those watching hark back to the days of Scooby Doo, I still watch these programs expecting the villain at the end to be wearing a swamp monster costume and scowling at the crack mystery crew.
Greatest Offender: The Mentalist

3. Gunfights/explosions. As shown in Burn Notice, Ultimate Force, The Unit etc. These shows use explosions and bullets more than dialogue and story, which can get slightly annoying. I mean you can either have a few explosions and a couple of bullets flying or you can just start a war. But as with salt and pepper, too little and it's bland, too much and you just don't want to eat it anymore.
Greatest Offender: Ultimate Force

4. The Hot one. Every guy will know what I mean, the hot chick that always pops up, here's a collection of said hot chicks.

Detective Kate Beckett from Castle

Temperence Brennan from Bones

Angela Montenegro from Bones

Doctor Saroyan from Bones

Kate from Lost

Abby Sciuto from NCIS

Sierra from Dollhouse

The list of hotties from Dollhouse can go on for days. I mean damn, it was rammed with beautiful women. But hot women do not make the series, 'A hottie is forever not just the pilot' this saying holds true until the hottie gets killed off or just written out.
Greatest Offender: Bones Bit of a U-turn there huh? Well there is a reason for this, Dollhouse escaped prosecution purely because the Dollhouse is a collection of beautiful people, and they're there becuase of their beauty. In Bones it's just fairly unnecessary, if you don't believe me try thinking of an episode of Bones without Angela, it wouldn't work at all. The entire series stopped being about the mystery and basically hangs on based on the women in it and the ensuing sexual tension with the male characters.

5. Sexual Tension. As seen in: CSI, NCIS, Bones, X Files, Castle, Burn Notice, Ultimate Force, basically any series with male and female characters. I know I just got into it right up there like it was a bad thing, but it can be a good thing, but as with everything else, all things in moderation. In the pilot there should be the bubbling sexual tension between two of the characters and it's all good, becuase you end up hoping they'll get together and then when they do you feel good for them. But when a series stops with it being in the background and ends up hanging the whole series off it you should realise that that series is done, very done, just cut your losses and stop watching.
Greatest Offender: Bones/Castle

These are all the major things. I mean there are more like Overlying plot, character development, underlying storyline, general acting etc. But I thin k I covered the real issues here.
For your trouble here's Eliza Dushku in leather.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as I did researching the hotties section.

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Don't look back, don't look back.

This has been an odd few weeks for me.

I got kicked off JSA because I apparently have a job, which is weird because the company they mentioned has never heard of me, oh and I missed an appointment they never told me about. Fucking monkey-tards!

I got drafted and dragged down to Essex to clear a house that me, my bro, sis and our cousins own so it could be sold. In the process I got some fucking wicked shit though, a leather jacket that's older than me and an assortment of LARP (Live action role play) weapons including a sword, shield, spear, mace, great axe and a couple of knives. Along with a couple of costumes and some armor. All in all I reckon its about £300 worth of gear, not bad for half a days work.

Then it was my sisters birthday last monday so on friday morning I piled into my mums car and off we went to London for the birthday hog roast on saturday. Epic night, we drank from about 3pm until around 9am on sunday and we still had a metric fuckton of booze left over. Goddamn I was wasted, so much so that wrestling a fat guy in a paddling pool seemed like a good idea (It fucking wasn't.) but at the time it was funny. But Cakes, the guy I was fighting, is easily twice my size and I nearly drowned, but nevertheless I fought on valiantly, although my efforts were negligible at best. I lost. But all in all it was a good night, though the hangover and fucked shoulder tried to convince me otherwise. My body is still punishing me for the four straight days of drinking. Good fucking times.

I've also downloaded a load of the Aliens comic books and the few novels there are, fucking brilliant. They come highly recommended from me, though the first couple of books, aptly named Book One and Book Two, I didn't think I'd enjoy them as much as I did, purely because they're black and white and before now the only black and whites I've enjoyed were the Sin City series, but I powered through and they're fucking brilliant.

I'm also into the 4th series of Numb3rs, its really absorbing which is why I haven't written a review yet. But it will be forthcoming at some point. But before then heres a quick version, the acting is brilliant, in parts the stories can feel samey but the characters and their interactions with each other and the bad guys is wonderful. Especially David Krumholtz, who after 10 things I hate about you I thought I could never take him seriously again because of a single line, its at the end of this clip.

And there it is, his credibility as an actor is horrifically compromised after that one line and also here he is in another of his more recognizable roles:

Just look at that smile, its pitiful and sexually menacing all at once.

Yeah, there was one on his face and then there he is, dressed like one. For two fucking movies.
So here's to David for making an idiot of himself three times and then after a few episodes of Numb3rs making me believe in the human race once more.
Thanks Dave, I owe you everything.

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Back again. And twice as angry.

Okay here's the thing, this blog isn't working as it is and I've spent a long time going over it in my head and then I thought, what do I do every single day, without fail?
Becuase writing a blog about my everyday life is, as you know by now, pretty fucking boring and inconsistent. It's pretty much; get up, shower, eat, sit down at my laptop and watch tv shows, movies and anime until I go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

So I thought of you my avid (and probably imaginary) readers and the entertainment you skim from the bitter, angry snarls of almost comedy that I crank out fairly regularly.
And I decided to carry on, but change the format. 'TO WHAT???' I imagine you screaming at your monitors, tears of impotent rage coursing down your faces.

I'm going to start reviewing tv shows, films and anime. Pretty much whatever I happen to be watching at the time.
But this is the beginning, not the end, I'm going to start here and then try to move on to new and uncharted depths, namely a podcast, eventually. (Well, hopefully.)

I hope the few who may read this will keep on following.
Thanks, Max.

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Exorbitant prices and other misadventures

Have you ever watched a tv show that's only good either late at night or in the middle of the day?

Me I generally live off them. But for now I'm just going to mention one, and my god it's dire, but in an entrancing way.

I could say the same of several films, brilliant at 3am but try and watch them during the prime time window and they turn to shit. Such as;

The Big Hit, an action/comedy featuring several actors you know by sight but can't remember what else they've been in. But other than that a very funny film with some really classic lines and some very suspect puns.

Ginger Snaps Trilogy: Ginger Snaps, Ginger Snaps: Unleashed and Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning. The first one is diamond, a brilliant concept, it's a coming of age film dressed up as a werewolf flick. Enjoyable once in a while. The second one is pretty shit but is saved by a fairly graphic group therapy/masturbation hallucination and a tiny pryomaniac blonde psycho (Don't ask me to explain, go watch it, you'll see what I mean.) The third one is set in frontier canada and has some really quite good ideas behind it but again, it's pretty dire, so do get to see Katherine Isabelle's arse (But I'm a guy so I guess it didn't add anything to the plot.)

Okay, those are my four guilty film pleasures, time to move on to my TV preferences.

Ultimate Force. An SAS drama, featuring of all people Ross 'Grant Mitchell' Kemp, supposedly the hardest man on british television. Bollocks is he, when he was in afganistan a couple of guys took a potshot at the patrol he was with, he threw the camera man out of his way screamed and ran like a little girl, I'm not saying I wouldn't do the same just that he's supposed to be a hard bastard and I'm not.

And also Diagnosis Murder.

Dick Van Dyke up there admiring the latest copy of 'Flirt and Squirt' adult magazine.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Russian Test Pilots

I got three hours or fucking sleep. I stayed up until 6am writing a story, I think it's okay but I have no idea.
So anyway, finally passed out at 6am and then three hours and ten minutes later my mum burst into my room, yelled me out of bed. And then suddenly I ended up in the car on my way to an antiques fair. I still have no clue how my mum managed to get me in that car.
So anyway, I staggered into the hall and stuffed my hands in my pockets not trusting myself to touch anything. And music blaring in my ears I wearily looked around the hall, slowly falling back into the land of the living.
But as it transpired it wasn't a complete loss. I found a random badge.

Awesome huh? It's currently on my jeans.

I also managed to find a working torrent of The Maxx. Quite possibly the best thing mtv has produced. It's about a crazy homeless super hero called The Maxx. He's Big, He's purple, He's heroic.

Check that shit out, it's well worth it.

Saturday, 17 April 2010

The loneliest Number

I went out last night. It's nearly 6 o'clock and I still feel pretty shit.
I'm watching Britains got Talent Best and Worst, waiting for half past six and DOCTOR MOTHERFUCKING WHO!!

But back to last night, I fucking hate people. Especially those who don't show up or show up 5 hours late then leave again straight away. So I spent all of last night all by my fucking lonesome and I am not good company.... I mean, ah fuck it. I got drunk, very drunk, woke up to a dog jumping on my chest and this wasn't even Lulu, it was a motherfucking spaniel, a fat one at that.
So, hungover, fat dog on chest, not allowed to smoke in this flat, my lift home has decided he can't be fucked and has returned to his foetid pit.

Eventually Vicky, god bless her, strong armed someone into driving me home. Heh. I went off and got breakfast at some random greasy spoon up the road from me. Filled myself with the most disgusting food I could have found this side of Albania and toddled off home.

But yeah, so I'm £10 poorer, which I was fucking surprised about but then again I was helping the bar staff out when it was rammed and subsequently got a few free drinks and a number of cut price ones. Then the pub shut, I helped clean up, earning myself another few free drinks. Finally left the pub at 3am. IT WAS A FUCKING DIAMOND NIGHT OUT!!!

Still fucked off at all those who didn't come out. YOU COCK SMOKING BAIL-MONKEYS!!!!

Oh I noticed something odd earlier on the tv, dominoes pizza, pepperoni passion in particular, the pepperoni is arranged in the shape of a cock. And if you don't believe me.....

So, a cock on a pizza and a foot that don't quite work anymore. Those are the things that weigh heavily at this point in time.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Me want cookie

I've been doing something odd recently.

Planning a story. I NEVER plan stories, I have an idea and I run with it until it falls apart. But here I am spending all day and night at the desk I made but never used before now, staring at my note covered wardrobe in wonder.

If my arsehole digital camera was working properly I'd post a picture of it, but as is I can't.

I have also found myself downloading way more than usual, 20 films and three different series. I'm drinking more coffee, staying up through the night, smoking way more than I should and smoking way too much.

I found that Castle is one of the best shows I have seen in ages.

Yeah so I'm downloading fucktons of shite, not sleeping, chugging coffee, smoking. I'm back to three years ago, which was my first foray into true writing, the dark and desolate path of the novelist.

But this time is much worse than before, becuase I'm going to have to do real research, this thing I have in mind is a bit more true to life than the Fantasy story I wrote before.

Hilariously, I sat down and read my novel 'A Time For Everything' and it's just as shit as I thought it was. Nearly 27,000 words of absolute bollocks. There were vampires, angels, werewolves, hunters, shape shifting shadow spirits. It was your general 17 year old fantasy bullshit.

Then college, chronic writers block and boredom killed it, thank fuck. If it had gotten published then I would have to kill myself.

But this idea has a school, gangs, murder, love, drugs and dubstep. So who the fuck knows if it'll be any good. I'll post some on here when I figure out how to start it.

Yeah, so that's what's going on with me at the minute.

Quick recap - Back at home, sat at desk, planning a novel, having three hour arguments about breadknives with my mum, drinking coffee, needing some class a drugs.
Judgement - Back to normal!

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Do it for the love of music

I find myself looking at girls more and more at the moment. Just a kind of turn my head and take a closer look, nothing stalkerish.

But I was just grooving down the road earlier today (To the above song.) and all I could think as I felt the sun coursing over me was 'This could well be the life'.
With a genial smile on my face I rocked my way through Torquay looking at all the pretty girls as they wandered past.

And before you ask, I wasn't stoned.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Take me to the hospital

Okay, quick update, and explanation as to why I haven't been around for a little while.

I have moved back in with my mum, got sick and tired of sleeping on a sofa in Brixham and after a long talk with my my mum about boundaries and the need for privacy, she told me that I could steal the front of the house. I'll post some pictures of the finished product once I've moved my stuff in.

Other than that nothing much has been going on, I went out on saturday, got pretty drunk, some half pint girl started on me. It was hilarious, after the fact.

Plus the dreaded Kate is back, and I was talked into going on Thursday to meet up with said girl and numerous other people. Should be an alright night out.

So, that's whats been going down in Fonch town recently. Oh, except for pokémon, that shit's got me hooked. Bugsy was a fucking prick to beat, the next gym leader wasn't so bad, but Miltank is my new nemesis.
So, here I am sitting in the living room, typing this and watching the 1st series of Angel.

Had a new idea for a story, though its still half formed.

Gonna try and post more often.

Thanks for reading, Fonch

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Your new boyfriend wears girls pants

I haven't posted in a few days, thought I should clarify. I have a massive ulcer in my right cheek.
Disgusting, right? Yeah, it feels worse than it looks, surprisingly. It hurts to open my mouth, close my mouth, smile, chew, swallow, cough, yawn, sneeze, (Get it yet?).
So I haven't been sleeping so well recently. I've also been at my mums for the past week and a half, considering coming back here.
But then I think about how long she's gonna be this civil, it never really lasts with my mu, but at the moment, it may not need to, you see my friend Mike showed up here last night and he told me that a guy he knows, whose father owns a building company, is looking for a number of laborers.
Dirt and grime, back breaking menial work, it sounds like heaven to me. The pay sounds pretty damn good as well.
But Mike has this habit of making bold assumptions and making plans based on them and the way he talked last night it was like we already had the job.
It was hilarious to see, he had it planned out, hard work, slow nights, us in a place in Teignmouth, a place he already scouted out, (Bold assumptions....)

But according to him since it's his mates' dad's company, we already have the job and now its only a matter of time until we start working.

I don't want to be so skeptical, but this is not my year. Those of you who have read what lead up to this blog should know that life has straight up kicked me right square in the nuts with deadly accuracy at every chance.

So I'm skeptical, wouldn't you be?

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Soundtracks and steak

I'M POOR AGAIN!!!!! (Just thought I'd mention that.)

I have a £20 to my name, which is slightly more than usual, but it does mean that I can't buy Pokémon Heart Gold on Friday, but I'm gonna try making a couple of calls in to a friend of mine to see if I can still get it with the pedometer.

So here I am, sitting in the kitchen at my mums house, listening to the Little Big Planet soundtrack, reading WORST, a manga everyone should check out, and writing this post.

Oh, before I forget....


Hehehehehe, had to do that.

Thanks for putting up with me,
Fonch the Oracle

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Invaders must die

I guess this is one of those 2 post days huh? Ah well nothing wrong with it.

I am currently listening to dubstep playlists on youtube, working my way through some real good stuff and some bloody dire stuff but I'm just sitting here reading some stories online, rolling fags, smoking them and zoning out listening to those dope beats.

Man I almost dropped back into London slang earlier, just caught myself before I said 'hench' and other assorted street words.

Man, its been a long day and I'm sticking to it.

So yeah, here I am aggravating my headache with a pair of skullcandy headphones (I'm gonna keep talking about them.) and all the gritty dubstep I can lay my internet connection on.

Keepin' it goin',
Fonch the Oracle

They're just so damn good!

The sweet suffering

So I got a good 16-17 hours of sleep, was trying for a full 24 but I was dragged into being directions-monkey for mum. Meh, I got a breakfast out of it.

So, caffeine withdrawal is happening again. It's cold and I'm reading and listening to some dubstep tunes through my new skullcandy headphones.

Rockin' huh?

Sound quality is immense. Been rocking down to Sub Focus and Rusko. Check 'em out sometime.

Going to see Sub Focus live later on this year, planning to go to Glade as well. Don't know any of the headliners but it'll be good anyway.

So yeah, that's all there is to report at the moment.

Thanks for reading,
Fonch the Oracle

Monday, 22 March 2010

Step out of the rush for you

Eugh, complexity is complex.
You know when you hear some insanely good news but you know you can't do anything with it?
That was my day, after no sleep, more coffee than the human body can properly handle, a bacon and egg mcmuffin and a donut.

Sitting in Sainsburys at stupid early in the morning I was informed that on friday I was expected to come out on the town with my current coffee partners. I, of course, pleaded poverty, but upon hearing one name dropped, I hastily agreed.


A girl I had been infatuated with for quite some time, back in the heyday of going out drinking whenever possible.
She was beautiful, hilarious fun and a down to earth NUTTER!!! (Something I, at that time, found highly attractive.)
But for most of the time I have known her she has been in a relationship, which sucked for me. But then suddenly she was single, I made a clumsy attempt to dance with her one night, working on a great deal of misinformation from a 'buddy'. She disappeared into the crowd, and I left, dejected and lonely (Cliched I know but Fuck you!)
And then I dropped out of circulation, poverty yet again. And before I knew it I was thinking of her less and less, then she went off to Uni. Problem solved, probably won't see her again until she's happily shacked up with some philosophy student called Crispin or some such.

Then today happened, "Let's go to Plymouth, hang about, play some pool, have a couple of beers" was the enticing morsel that kept me from my bed.
It was only when we picked someone up along the way that it started to niggle at me, Plymouth, drinking etc etc.

Then there we are meeting up with some more people in a pub and lo and behold, there's Kate, words failed me but now all I can say is DAMN!!!!

Just DAMN!!!

So I'm doing my Marcel Marceau impression quietly tweaking and rolling cigarettes while Kate is doing her usual bubbly thing and I kept my head down.
Until "Hey guys did Craig tell you my news?" Kate chirped, I and most others looked on dumbfounded, she spent a few seconds admonishing Craig before spreading her arms wide, showing off her amazing...... t-shirt design. "I'm single again!" She trilled.

My heart soared and then crashed again. I suddenly didn't want to go out on friday. Me drunk is not a pretty sight and I have a habit of saying too much.

So the rest of the day consisted of me counting my money and seeing just how drunk I could get before it was time to go.

The answer, pretty hammered. I spent as little time as I could around Kate and the others, just milling around, and playing pool.
So after a while I felt just courageous enough to sit at the table with everyone else. It was alright, I could now enter into the banter without freezing up.

When my mate turned to me and said that Kate and everyone else had bailed on friday.

So I am happy again, I will now be able to go out and pre-order a copy of pokemon heart gold, go play Magic the gathering and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing and making an idiot of myself.

Or at least until she's back again. And I'd just gotten over her.

Next time you think your life sucks, think of me thinking of you and wondering why you got it so fucking easy!

Thanks for reading,
Fonch the Oracle.

Saturday, 20 March 2010

A simple moment of victory

Cigarette packet out of reach.
Within reach is:
a measuring tape keychain = failure, not enough grip.
A thomas the tank engine keychain = not enough length
Hit it with a remote control out of frustration = it flipping into my lap


Just thought I'd share that.

Whose Autopsy?

Instead I'm going to say something about the events leading up to this blog. Beginning at the beginning.

7/2/2010 - My own personal hell
It was a Sunday just like any other, and it was like that for only one reason, I never usually get any post.
So I woke up, shook away the remnants of sleep, showered, got dressed and got my stuff together for the day ahead. It was the Release party for Worldwake, the new Magic the Gathering expansion, a day of cards and laughs were ahead.
Jog was just rousing himself on my sofa, I left him there as I went downstairs and exchanged curt pleasantries with my mother, a day like any other.
She decided to tell me I had received a letter a few days before, I swallowed a snarl and went to collect it, it was from College, with no apprehension I opened it and scanned the contents. My heart froze 'We are dropping you from the access to higher education course effective immediately.'
In a word I was 'Fucked'.
I breezed through the rest of the day, receiving the best and most expensive cards from Worldwake and not being able to be excited about it, 'Dropped from the course' kept reverberating in my head like a death sentence. All I could think of was my Mothers rage and bile and my Fathers resigned disappointment.
I returned home late that night, having sold a couple of cards in order to fund a drinking binge. I wasn't even that drunk, though the time after the Release is a blur of bars and pubs, I remember spending all of my money and still not being drunk. It sucked.
So there I am sat in my room, alone, in the dark, cliched I know but it's what I did.
And suddenly the door to my room burst open and in she poured a venom filled typhoon fueled by two bottles of Hardys Semilion Chardonnay.
"You little bastard,"
"Lazy fucking shit"
They washed over me, every night was the same, she'd barge in and recycle the same old insults, each delivered with a spray of spittle and much waving and snarling. But tonight was different, I was done.
I made a decision, I was gone, she wasn't going to get the chance to try and pull me apart again.
When I was sure she was passed out I started.
I grabbed a bag, packed up my shit, rang a friend and I was gone before seven the next morning.
I was done with this idiotic life I had been leading.
I was gone from this house of pain and misery.

It was only six days until I returned.

13/02/2010 - My 20th birthday
Yeah, I came back for it. There were presents to be had and I am a shallow bastard.
I collected a bit of money, some chocolate, a couple of dvds and a t-shirt.
Everything was going alright, I was considering that maybe I had made a mistake.
The general plan for my family on a birthday is to go to the pub, so away we went, to the pub.
A few beers later I was feeling quite good, happily warm, chatting to my dad and watching the rugby.
It couldn't last, and once again my mother made her feelings known.
Snide remarks were the beginning, little things, then the slurred snarls. Insults, making sure that I knew she wasn’t happy.

So, my dad gave up and all but dragged her out of the pub, leaving me a few pints south of sober watching the rugby alone.

So I kept at it, a few phone calls later Jog arrived, at my behest, and we sat around I had another few beers and Jog had a coke. It was enjoyable.

But eventually the time came for heading back to my former home and collecting the last of my things before going back to my new lodgings.

When I arrived my mother was muttering into her third bottle of the day and my dad was quietly pottering about, doing his general thing.

So I left Jog in another room and sat my parents down and told them what had happened, what I thought of them and then I left.

I’m afraid that I don’t want to go into the details of what I said and what was drunkenly screamed back.

To be honest, I really didn’t like writing this. So I believe I won’t be writing like this again. No more sorrowful backstory, only wonderful stories of my drug-fuelled misadventures.

Thanks for reading,

Fonch the Oracle

Monday, 15 March 2010

A first time for a few things.

Yeah so this is a multiple first for me.
First post on this blog.
First Blog.
First Overdose on caffeine

Yeah, so I'm a moron.
I drank two Ubershots which contained an approximate fuckton of caffeine.
I was halfway through writing a first post when I practically whited out from the pain.
I genuinely thought I was having an aneurysm. And this was while on cam to a friend of mine, she freaked, but that's a story for later

So this will be a short one.

The whole backstory of this blog will be told in the next post.

But for now,
Thanks for reading
Fonch the Oracle