Saturday, 17 July 2010

Youth in revolt - written as watched

Okay originally I was going to write about video game films but there are so many and the knitting needles are now lodged in my cerebellum. The pain of those films has been so immense I was considering packing this in completely, but fuck that.

So anyway, Youth In Revolt.

Okay, I saw this advert and reckoned it could be a laugh, Micheal 'skinnier than an anorexic in the desert' Cera, who reminds me way too much of Jay 'skin, bones and lies' Baruchel. I could break both of them over my knee like wicker for fucks sakes. I've seen sturdier feathers.

So anyway, I'm about 2 minutes into YIR and I haven't killed myself or sacrificed a loved one to the desolate one, so it's going better than Superbad (Fucking hate that film.) But I may not have killed myself or others I haven't laughed yet, Steve Buscemi has just popped up washing his car and making out with a supermodel,

My reaction to this was mild indifference.

And then we meet the main characters creepy best friend,

His cold dead eyes, brain dead delivery of his lines is adequate at best, and then they mention he has a bent cock which is explained by the line 'In case you haven't heard, Lefty's (What a fucking wonderful nickname huh?) erect member takes a sudden and dramatic turn to the east about halfway up'. And then they go on about the girl he has had a crush on for years and how he needs to get his dick straightened and how they might have a kid who'll be good at nothing and so on.
My indifference has taken a turn for the homicidal.
(At this point I would like tyo impart my mind numbing hatred for Mike Cera and nearly everything he has ever done or will ever do, except Juno, that was good.)
Oh for fucks sakes, we've only just hit the fucking start credits. I'm going to go get a goat, a pentagram, some vodka, a shovel, some rope and a fucking big hammer. This is going to be interesting.
Okay 12 minutes in and the only thing keeping me going is this guy

And the vain hope he'll get hit in the face with a wrench.
Okay the love interest/girl-thing has been added now and I was hoping she would add something but so far she just breezes around rambling and sounding bored.

I'm hoping it will be revealed that she was involved in some shovel to the back of the head accident in her youth but I doubt it.
Do you hear that sound? It's like a drum beat, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM, BA-DUM. It just keeps going. What could it be? Oh wait, it's me smashing my head on the table, praying for something to FUCKING HAPPEN IN THIS FUCKING ARSEHOLE OF A FILM!!!!!!

So far this film is almost definitely my own personal hell and I really need to go find the anorexic rake otherwise known as Mike Cera and kill him. I will cut off his head, mount it on a pike and display it proudly before the gate of my keep, I will skin him, wear the pelt and roll around in a mixture of dog crap and broken glass. I will break his arms and legs before I throw him to the hounds for sport and I will laugh as they tear strips of his flesh from his mewling form. I will burn him to ashes, drink them and then piss him into the eyes of lepers before collecting the tear diluted piss and shooting it into the sun. I will cut off his feet and reattach them on the wrong side and back to front. I will pull out his eyes and turn them back on him so he can watch himself beg for death as I wear his ears as a necklace. And fuck me I should seriously seek professional help.

Okay, I really need to go burn him in effigy.
Now that that is done, I'll get back to this film.
Well lets see, so far the imaginary new persona hasn't popped up, wait a minute, a weakling freak who hates himself creates an alter-ego who does/says/thinks everything he wishes he could, thus chaos ensues in the form of random terrorist/vandalim acts. Where have I seen this before?

It's on the tip of my tongue..

Wait just one fucking minute


Okay this film blows and I think I'm going to have a visit from the men in white coats fairly soon after publication.

My wrath shall be unending with this film.
I am giving it a very generous -75 out of 10. Fuck this film, it's slow everyone in it is brain damaged, half of it is in french and i hate those motherfuckers anyway.
This piece of shit Fight Club rip-off-punch-in-the-nuts-bag-over-the-head-pistol-in-the-mouth-brains-on-the-wall-scummy-badly-written-porrly-executed-mind-fuck of a film I have ever seen and I sat through all the fucking Harry Potter films.

Time elapsed before total mental breakdown 45:32

1 comment:

  1. "I will burn him to ashes, drink them and then piss him into the eyes of lepers"... so... you're saying you want Michael Cera INSIDE OF YOU??????????

    And face it - the only good thing about Juno was you were guaranteed to get laid after taking a girl to see it. That's like saying Twilight's good...